07 January 2010

The Wolves Are Hungry

Already a week into the new year and the wolves are circling. We've barely gotten off our feet and learned to walk in a passingly good imitation of a drunkard stumbling home from the bar and the bastards want money, money, MONEY! Well, have we a thing or two for them (although not money, per se) to shove down their pie holes.

When you don't have any money, stall the bastards. This plan works for a while, and often makes you feel good about having done something proactive. However, the caveat here is that it only works for a while and then they actually want to see some of the green stuff, or at the very least, a card carrying that wonderful symbol of freedom and the American Way of Life: VISA. Remember: "Life takes VISA!" It doesn't take fortitude and a naïve belief in hope in order to survive; it doesn't even take much more than cunning and the ability to stay ahead of the wolves. Life takes a little plastic card with a holographic symbol of an eagle on it and a good credit score to qualify for more loans and more credit cards.

The new mantra of Life is: MORE, MORE, MORE!!!

And so, being fleet of foot (like swift Achilles) and quick of wit (Odysseus), we're scrambling to find a way to pay the bills and keep the presses running without selling our souls to the devils of Greed. Here are a few of the get-rich-quick schemes we cooked up in our feverish little brains.

The biggest project, by far, is the expansion of our printed catalogue (which doesn't really exist yet in the physical world). We're always looking for new titles to put under the Last Word Press banner and we think we might have found the perfect one to start that Sisphysian rock rolling: The Principia Discordia. Long believed to be nothing more than the product of twisted, deviant minds, we've discovered that the Principia Discordia is, in fact, the product of twisted, deviant minds. Sure, you can find this title everywhere (under rocks, in trash bins, on the internet), but how would you like your very own handbound copy? For inquiries and orders, drop us a line and we'll send you a copy for the absurdly low price of just $9.95 w/ shipping and handling.

We've also begun working on the incorporation of The Olympia Zine Library into our super-secret lair and giving anyone a chance to peruse the shelves to find zines and DIY manuals for personal consumption. We'll gladly take your donations and give you a nice, clean copy bound with the finest zinc alloy staples this side of the Pecos to take on your merry way. Or you can always check 'em out, read 'em and return 'em, but just remember that we've hired the ugliest thug in town to keep track of who checked what out when. Take your pick: broken bones or small donations.

Do you have one of those black-market businesses you don't want to tell the IRS about? Still need suckers (oops! customers, customers!) to believe you know what you're doing? Want to look professional while you do it? We'll print your business cards tailored to your liking (minus the holographic decals and bells and whistles).

Sure, you can go online and get a hundred business cards from one of those sites with cheesy graphics and full color bullshit, but we'll work with you to craft a piece of art you can carry around in your pocket to give people informing them that you (the one and only) are a real, bona fide snake oil salesthing. We'll give you a 1000 (yes, a 1000) business cards for fifty bucks. We'll even throw in a box to hold 'em.

We're continuously searching for ways to make ends meet, and if you have any suggestions or ideas we haven't thought of let us know. And always, "Hail Eris!"

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